Have you ever wanted to make an important life change, but experienced a sinking feeling of uneasiness at the mere thought of failure?
If you have, you’re not alone!
While we know that failure is a part of life and almost inevitable when pursuing something new, we fear it and will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid the pain that comes with it.
I sure did.
In fact, I had gone as far as mastering the art of making excuses and justifications to stay in a painful situation which had become familiar to me, instead of having to go through the process of starting something new, I knew nothing about.
I had gotten so good at it, I even made myself come off as a hero for not pursuing the thing I really wanted to do. Yup, I was the awesome aunt, sacrificing my dream to be present in the lives of my nieces and nephews. Truth is, I was using them as my cover up story to hide behind my fear.
Then one day, I woke up and it hit me; for almost two years, I had stopped smiling every morning, dreading to start my day. I realized that no matter how hard I tried twisting things around with my fanciful stories, every morning, that sinking feeling swept in, reminding me of my painful reality. How could I have possibly been a good role model for my nieces and nephews, if I was afraid of being true to myself?
Finally, I understood and accepted that if I ever wanted to wake up smiling again, eager to start my day, I needed to be honest with myself about myself. That day, became Day One of my journey to living the life I wanted, and taking full responsibility to make it happen.
I still didn’t have everything all figured out. But now, it was like the knots in my gut had turned into butterflies of excitement about wanting to explore the unknown, instead of avoiding it like the plague. Because the truth was that I didn’t fear the unknown, I feared what I thought I knew about the unknown, that it would bring failure.
One thing I learned is that the unknown is unknown for a very good reason; it’s none of my business. The only thing that is my business is where I am, and what I do in this moment. What it will bring, I’ll find out with each step I keep taking, learning what I need to know along the way.
And, yes, my journey has knocked me down a few times. It showed me things I never wanted to see. It gave me situations I never wanted to face. I experienced sadness and many setbacks.
But one thing’s for sure, once I stopped trying to avoid them, and embraced, experienced and explored them, they opened my eyes to the beauty of life that’s filled with ups and downs, and feel the joy of being alive.
Guess what?
Today, almost nine years later, no matter the distance between us, my nieces, nephews and myself, are more present in each other’s lives than ever before, supporting, encouraging and inspiring one another.
If fear of failure has ever held you back from making an important change in your life, I hope that these three keys I learned from my own experience, will inspire you to get back in touch with what’s possible and move yourself forward.
Understanding the Real Danger
The first, most important key to truly understand, is that this is your ONE and ONLY life!
Because if you deeply comprehend that you only get this one life to live fully—not just the words, but with your whole mind, body and heart—you’ll see that the real danger lies in one day realizing that you never lived your life the way you truly wanted. When you see this danger, you will go to great lengths to avoid it. Failure, which is part of living, will not seem as scary as you thought it to be.
As a kid, this came naturally for us. We were not afraid to try stuff, especially the stuff we loved the most. It didn’t matter if we didn’t have everything all figured out. Our curiosity and creativity got the best of us. We tried and tried until we got it.
Imagine if you had never tried riding a bike because you were too afraid of falling and getting hurt?
Look at this example very carefully. It’s true that you probably fell the first few times you got on a bike. It’s also true that you probably ended up with scrapes, scratches and bruises.
While, you may have fallen at your first attempts, didn’t mean it was impossible. Each fall was a stepping stone towards mastering riding a bike.
Then, for most of us, our upbringing, or an embarrassing incident or a rejection has given us a negative outlook on failure, stopping us from doing the things we really want. Over the years, we either experienced so much disappointment, or got so caught up in our day-to-day demands, that we can’t imagine our life being any different, and lost touch with our true self, our capabilities and our dreams.
Sound familiar?
That same kid is still deep within you, bubbling with curiosity, creativity and very capable of making a significant change in your life. Just look at your past experiences where you may have not succeeded at first, maybe some left you feeling crushed.
But, you made it this far, didn’t you?
Everything you’re doing now was once something you had never done. Maybe you screwed up at first, but you figured it out, didn’t you?
Things like, learning to drive, maybe cooking or baking, taking care of your home, raising kids, your work experience, and so on.
Starting over doesn’t necessarily mean you’re starting from ground zero, it means you’re starting from all these valuable experiences. Everything you experience is exactly what you need for your personal growth.
Don’t dismiss them by waiting and hoping to get some green light signal, some certainty that the process will be a walk in the park to a successful destination. That day may never come. And, isn’t that scarier than trying?
Feel Your Fear
If you’re afraid, be afraid. Don’t be afraid of being afraid.
You’re about to do something you probably never thought possible, of course it’s scary!
Fear is not necessarily the enemy. Sometimes it steps in to tell you that it’s time to make a change, pointing you in the right direction. And, you’re probably among the rare few who dare question society’s definition of success, towards living the life you truly want.
Don’t hide behind it.
Feel it and be honest with yourself about why you’re afraid. Then, look at your honest answers and ask yourself, “Are these answers worth living my one and only life, this way?”
Don’t start thinking about making any changes right away. Just stay with the answers you come up with.
From here, ask yourself this very important question, “Why is the change I want to make so important in my life?”
You see, when the ‘why’ is worthwhile, the effort, the time, and the mistakes and setbacks will be just as worthwhile.
Taking Action
Another important key to understand, is that change doesn’t necessarily start with a big drastic leap. It doesn’t mean you forget about your current responsibilities, either. It means you start from where you are, taking your first steps forward.
It might start with having that uncomfortable conversation you’ve been putting off with your partner or your boss. It might be doing research. It might be talking to people who are already doing it, or who have lived through a similar difficult situation. It might be taking a course to improve certain skills.
Whatever it is, the point is that you don’t necessarily need to start with a big, major change. It will probably lead to a major change, but taking your first tiny step is already a major step in itself. It’s perfectly okay if your journey is one of many tiny steps. Each one will be a stepping stone towards making it happen.
You will never know all you’re capable of doing and achieving if you don’t begin and allow yourself to make mistakes, even fall.
Yes, fear will probably keep creeping in as you stumble along the way. But, if you get yourself back up and keep trying and learning, every mistake and setback becomes a part of the process, NOT a failure.
This is your journey. This is your life. Live it fully.
Remember, the best things in life begin with a touch of fear.
