With all the heavy pressures and expectations of modern-day life, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with trying to keep up with all the demands. Inevitably, it’s almost impossible to avoid slipping up when things get too hectic and nothing seems to be going right. Sometimes, those slip ups bring a lot of guilty feelings along with them.
We may not have the same reasons behind our guilt.
- Maybe your words hurt someone
- Maybe something you did or didn’t do caused harm to another
- Maybe your choices, decisions or actions brought havoc in your life
- Maybe you lied or cheated to get what you wanted
- Maybe you didn’t pursue something you really wanted
But no matter the context that created the guilty feeling, what’s important, is to realize the detrimental effect it has on your well-being and that it serves no purpose.
This doesn’t mean that you go through life without a care about the effects of your behaviour, choices and actions on yourself and others. Feeling guilty is a natural human emotion that arises from caring about the way you’ve been living your life and how you may have harmed others. It’s like a friendly voice telling you, “Hey, you messed up. Now, own up to it, clean up the mess and move on with the lesson.”
But, if you go on carrying the heavy load of guilt, it only keeps you stuck in the past, sinking you deeper and deeper in an ocean of self-loathing and doesn’t make any of it go away.
Maybe, the very thing you feel guilty about, is probably the reason for the messy way things are in your life right now, but it doesn’t have to be an excuse or justification for them to stay that way.
Most of us have been so conditioned to believe that in order to be a good, loving person, we must go through guilt, as if it’s a pathway to love. When we keep hearing the words over and over, they pierce our hearts and turn into guilt. It takes us over, our whole being. Then, in order to numb the guilt, we build a wall around our heart. Afraid of breaking it down and going back out there.
Guilt is not a pathway to love. It’s a concrete wall around our heart that keeps love buried in fear. Love cannot be imposed by force, intimidation or fear.
Love just is. Today, it seems like real love—not just momentary fleeting moments of love— has been contaminated, associated with all kinds of things, that it’s no longer recognized.
Stop searching for it in places it can’t be found. It’s time to get off your guilt trip and head back home to yourself to where love has always resided.
The most powerful way to get there, is to listen to what your heart has to say, with no judgements, no opinions and no conclusions. Just listen, so you feel connected to who you are, not a fabricated version of who you would like to be, or who you once were. But, who you are now and move forward with what you’ve learned, instead of wallowing in guilt. Then, love will be in its natural state, flowing from within you.
- Is guilt being imposed on you?
There may be someone close to you—partner, parent, friend, boss—who’s been using guilt as a tactic to make you conform to their constant demands. They may have convinced you that you’re a bad, selfish person if you don’t follow through. At some point, the build up of your guilt may be rooted in resentment towards the person. Remember that toxic people have no place in your life. - Are you stuck in the past?
Pay close attention to the way you speak to yourself. Are you still holding yourself in contempt for the way things are in your life? Now, what does your heart have to say about this?
As you listen, remember that every wrong turn, every mistake and every wrong choice you ever made, are part of growth and acquiring wisdom. Not by bashing yourself and clinging on to guilt. But, by acknowledging them, taking responsibility for them, learning from them and acting from the lessons. Stay away from focusing on others and comparing yourself to them, keep your focus on yourself.
And above all, give yourself credit for everything you’ve faced and overcome, recognize all you have accomplished, and be grateful for the abundance already in your life. - Is there a deeper emotion for having hurt another?
Even to your loved ones, sometimes, in the spur of the moment, you may end up saying or doing something that hurts them. A sincere apology usually will suffice.
Depending on how deeply they’ve been hurt, the person may not able to forgive you, They may need time and that’s perfectly fine. Whether they do or they don’t, what’s important, is to pay close attention to the root cause of your behaviour. There may be a deeper emotion behind the guilty feeling you’re left with.- Maybe there’s anger and resentment for the way you’ve been treated by others.
- Maybe there’s jealousy and envy towards others.
- Maybe you’re overworking yourself.
- Maybe you’re struggling with not being enough, not doing enough or not accomplishing enough…
Use that guilt to find out and acknowledge it with a gentle, loving approach. Try to not let your mind take you off track with excuses and justifications. Just feel it. Connect with it. Be present with it. Let it reveal what you need to know.
Use it as a mirror to reflect the way you perceive yourself, which may be projecting your behaviour.
Before any attempts of making amends or building any relationship can stand strong, you must start with looking at the relationship you have with yourself, resolve any inner conflict you may have.
If you’re not on good terms with yourself and are not able to love yourself fully , you’re not going to be happy with life in general, impacting your choices and your relationship with others.
The process of facing yourself and being totally honest to yourself about yourself, may seem long, scary and painful, but there’s nothing scarier or more painful than staying buried under a wall of guilt and self loathing for years on end.
“Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them.” – A.A. Milne
Not for anyone but yourself first, that investing this precious, valuable time to really get to know yourself, your own true identity, your core values, your priorities, is so worth it!
Become your own best friend. Be kind, supportive and most of all, forgive yourself. Unlike guilt that hardens the heart with fear, forgiveness softens it with love. It gives you the strength and energy to get back out there and let your values guide your choices and actions. It restores your mind’s sharpness to assess your life and goals to see whether your actions are aligned with your priorities.
Don’t feel guilty if your goals change, give yourself permission to do so. It’s all part of growth and meeting every single experience with a fresh mind, instead of staying stuck in the past.
Life is not static, it’s a living movement. No matter the nature of every experience, each one brings something new to explore, discover and learn from. When you take this loving approach, there’ll be no space for guilt to nestle in your heart.
By taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally and spiritually, you effortlessly live this one and only beautiful life of yours fully and joyfully, spreading seeds of love to those around you.
Then, not by hanging on to guilt, but through your loving example that others are influenced, inspired and touched. Because, all your life experiences will transform into passion for the whole of life.
